When You Contemplate on Wednesday Just How Bad Tuesday Could've Gone...

Monday night, my heart went into A-fib.... I was convinced that it "would pass" and I did my breathing techniques, sat up in my chair, used a particular mudra to relax myself -- I had "stuff to do" (a conference to attend on Wednesday, to be exact) and I didn't "have time" for this. 

However, by 2:30 a.m. we were in the local ER. I wasn't able to get a bed till nearly 6:30 a.m. My heart was beating erratically, and my heart rate was over 150 - in danger of having a stroke. And I still thought, "All I need is a reboot, and I can get to work and prep for the conference..." I was pretty sure that they'd do what they always did, my heart would kick itself back into rhythm, and I'd be home and back to my usual routine. 

I've had Atrial Fibrillation for years, so I know the standard treatments that the doctor recommended, and it looked like things were going to go as I had planned them in my head. (cue your laughter here, as I assume that I can PLAN this whole thing...)

The nurse administered the medication and we were chatting; they always stay in the room and monitor to see how things are going (this was about 7:45 a.m. or so).

All of a sudden, I told her that something felt "off"... Next thing I know, I'm flat on my back, gasping for air, and the room is filled with people. They whipped the mask off my face to allow me to breathe (Covid protocols, etc...) Doctor barking orders to the nurses. Nurses, quietly competent, buzzing back and forth. Oxygen administered, something put into the IV in my arm, numbers being rattled off...I remember grabbing the hand of the nurse next to me - as an anchor, I think. I was alternately burning up and sweating, and then freezing. I never lost consciousness and was aware of what was going on around me.

I hear, "get the paddles ready" but it doesn't really sink in. Someone asked for a verification of my birthdate, which I then rattled off. "She's talking," they said. I said, "Paddles weren't on my list today..." They fixed the quite extreme reaction I had to a medication I've taken before.

Afterward, I was told that my heart rate dropped quickly - and too low. In a span of about 5 minutes, I went from 150 bpm to 21...Twenty-one...

I don't know why, but I didn't realize till later that the "paddles" were in this big red "crash cart."

And today, home and exhausted (I finally came out of A-fib and they let me go home late last night - my heart was wonky for 18 hours...) -- it finally just sunk in just how close I came and just how bad it could've gone.

I know that there are complaints about Western medicine, dependence on Big Pharma, and how screwed up we in the US make it to be taken care of. And 99.9% of those complaints are completely valid. It's not a "political" statement to say that US health care is pretty uneven and often, the Emergency Room is where the uninsured, poor, homeless, and marginalized reach out for medical care because they know they won't be turned away. 

We know, here in the US, that if you have money (and/or really good insurance, but mostly, let's face it -- it's money that talks), you get really good care, and access to treatments that not everyone can have. After all, let's chat about Steve Jobs and the liver transplant he got almost immediately, when the list for transplants is long, and donors are scarce. The late Chadwick Boseman was fortunate enough to have a team of holistic practitioners, acupuncture, massage, medical treatment...the list could go on and on. Let's also talk about our elected officials....and the platinum-level care they have access to. Someone could get elected to the House or Senate, serve one term and get booted out (usually because they weren't obeying the commands of the corporate overlords who've purchased their souls...) -- and they have premium healthcare for life. You realize that #MoscowMitch and his ilk have amazing care that you and I are not privy to, right? 

But yesterday, when it could've gone horribly bad, the medical team around me worked with quiet, swift skill in a pretty dire emergency, and got me through it. The doctor said that in his years of practice, he's never seen such an intense and severe reaction to this medication and that it was the "standard" to treat A-Fib. I've got a bottle of this same medication in pill form in my cabinet!

Afterwards, the nurse whose hand I grasped said, "I have NEVER seen that kind of reaction to this medication -- I'm so glad you hung in there with us." I told her that I was so glad THEY hung in there with me.

Today, taking a day to rest, recover and contemplate, I find my mind replaying that morning and I find myself still in awe, but also there's a feeling I can't quite articulate about how close I came to an entirely different outcome.

Can You Want It Too Much???

Seriously. I'm doubting my ability to finish the *^&$ February Lady Sweater at this point...I frogged back a row. 

Could it be that I shouldn't try lace when I'm watching Meryl Streep movies? Hmmmmm.... I could use that excuse. I didn't even feel the boo-boo this time. But there I was, at the end of the second Row 1 with ONE extra stitch. Crap. 

I heaved a sigh, began frogging it back and then just finished watching the movie. No sense going nuts. 

So today, I don't have to go in to work till the afternoon shift. I'm watching "Top Chef," which (shock, I know) I've never seen. I think I can tink during this one... I'm almost at the button band, and I may have found the screw up. I mean, this is actually the second repeat - the first 4-row repeat went smoothly, so I know it's correct. It's a matter of being present while you're knitting. 

That's where knitting often imitates meditation. I'm anxious to wear this sweater, and it will only be the second one I've made in an adult size. I think that I'm too much of a hurry to get it done. I need to back off. It'll get done. It'll be gorgeous. 

Breathing. Need to remind myself to breathe. 

Frosting Tips...

So I think I told you that Hubby bought me a set of what I've seen called "Russian Frosting Tips." I know - anything "Russian" can be taboo! But it's cake, people! 

My friend D has asked me to make her granddaughter's wedding cake. I'll have to do some serious cupcake baking to get the hang of these. 

I have the full Wilton set. Actually, thanks to my mom, I probably have at least two sets. I had my own, and "inherited" hers when she decided she didn't want to do cakes anymore. Mom's got the Kathryn Hepburn "benign tremor" thing going on, and while she can control it with medication, it has impacted a lot of her fine motor movement. She has a harder time doing things like cutting in when she's painting, and writing in frosting can be a challenge at the best of times - when you're even a tad shaky (even from a bit too much coffee), you'll see it in the frosting. 

I'm a bit concerned that these are small - like I could do garlands of these around the cake? I'm thinking... I'm thinking... It'll be interesting. My philosophy is this: you give me your colors, a basic idea of what you want, how many we're serving, and then - you get out of my way. I don't do try-out cakes, and you get no input into the design. 

Sounds tough, right? But that's what my parents did. They didn't do "bridezillas" and I won't either. We shall see how this goes... I'll have pictures when I fiddle with the tips. I have to visit the internet to see how to use these things. All I have is that picture!

Golden Rule Theme...

So a friend of mine posted this on her timeline and I really liked it. She's an atheist, does a lot of community work, and is involved in local and national politics. I put the "atheist" label in there, because specifically, it seems as if the whole concept of a "Golden Rule" has been co-opted by religion. Particularly in the ultra-conservative swaths of Bible thumpers - the "Golden Rule" belongs to them (in their eyes). A person like my friend (or even my kids, who're more "secular humanist" than any identifiable religion) would be looked down upon by some of those who espouse some sort of "pure" faith -- which in my mind only exists if humans aren't involved. 

Perhaps "pure faith" is only available to the angels. Because once humans get involved, religion can turn ugly. Don't believe me? Look at history. 

From the conquest Canaan to the tribal wars of Afghanistan, men have fought over and over again because "their god" is the "only god." 

So. Read this. What do you see? I see a theme. I see a request that we look at each other as "same" and NOT "other." 

As our(?) government goes about the business of dismantling health care for millions of people, they'll stand there in press conferences with their flag pins and put their hands on their shriveled little hearts and exclaim that this is a Godly country. 

With the travesty occurring in Washington DC right now? There's no "Godly" going on. This is all on men. 

They'd better man-up and own the consequences.  

Random Picture...

This is an oldie but a goodie. This is from my trip to the Zonta International Convention in Orlando. I went with my friend A, and we had a blast. After sitting in the conference hall for meetings, we were able to walk the grounds of the resort. Unfortunately, the extra-curricular events were pretty pricey, so we didn't do any of them. But the grounds were gorgeous once we ventured past the swimming pool complex. The gardens were stunning. I got to play with a lot of effects in PhotoShop for the different types of pictures. 

This palm didn't need any "fixing." The shape was striking. The light cooperated. I was able to catch this and I loved the symmetry of what Mother Nature provided. All I did with it was go in closer and crop it. 

This reminds me that A is a great person to travel with. One of these days, we need a photo-safari trip. I'll have to propose that to her. It could be fun!