Adjusting to the Silence...

So it's been a couple months. And I'm still waiting to be greeted when I walk in the door. I still listen for the turn, turn, turn on the dog bed and the PLOP as Quinn drops into her comfy spot. And I still reach for the stick blender and turn, wanting to see Raisa ready to sing. I look at the leashes every first and third Tuesdays, figuring it's time to suit up to go out to the university. 

People wonder when the grief goes away, and on our "loss of pet" group, the constant question is, "When will I feel normal?" The answer is: Never. You never really do get over the loss of a companion animal, whether you refer to it as your furry child, or your soul animal. They leave a void in your heart and a mark on your soul. 

Which is why it's so freaking abominable that Governor Noem (my hands want to type out MORON) in South Dakota is bragging about killing - executing - a puppy and a goat. The puppy (14 months old) "didn't hunt" and the goat "smelled." Well, doofus --- TRAIN the puppy, and bathe the goat. Executing them in a gravel pit doesn't make you "able to make the hard decisions." It makes you an utter psychopath. Who shouldn't be allowed near ANY living thing, much less allowed in politics. And don't come at anyone with that "farmers/ranchers" BS. Every farmer I know (and I'm living in the nation's Bread Basket) would've rehomed the dog and hosed down the goat. But guess what? GOATS SMELL. So do pigs and horses and sheep. And most ranchers who've been shredding her on social media said the same thing: if the dog doesn't hunt, you train it -- and for God's sake, it's a PUPPY. They can't even process. They have instincts, yes, but they need focus and training. And if the dog still has no instinct for hunting, you rehome it or it's a pet. 

My uncle, a dedicated hunter, had a Springer Spaniel, Rags. That dog was nuts. He hated gunfire, he hated wet. He was allergic to grass and weeds. He was as useless as a 2-legged milking stool as a hunting dog. But he could bark. He could play with the kids. He was essentially a pet. I have no idea of his bloodlines, but my uncle was persnickety about his dogs. He tossed his hands up in the air and said, "I guess I've gotta get another dog that'll hunt." He didn't take him out to the quarry and shoot him. He kept him his entire life (the dog's - my uncle is still around). 

As I sit here contemplating what my next adventure with animals will be, this woman who thinks she's going to be the VP for that orange excrescense at the top of the MAGA party, is being flayed, as she should be. Karma is a bugger, you miserable excuse for a human. 

The Knitting...

I got my replacement Baby Camel yarn (exchanged for the Eco Cashmere that was defective) from Purl Soho. It's lovely! And it perfectly matches my vintage camel coat. So I think I'm knitting cuffs for the coat. I've wanted to for a long time, and I couldn't find a good match. Well, this could've been made for the coat! I'll do a 2x2 rib, and they'll be lovely! The sleeves on the coat are just a tad too short, so the cuffs will be a welcome addition. 

I'm still knitting on the Eco Cashmere Simplicity Scarf, but I set it aside. I have news....

No. No grandbabies...

I have yarn. (yeah, I know, I have STASH). My friend D gave me TWO "medium" sized moving boxes and a 35-gallon tote full of yarn. She's doing her Swedish Death Cleaning, and has moved away from knitting (yes, I know - seems impossible), though she's still knitting socks. And she asked me to help her get rid of her stash. I can keep whatever I want, sell whatever I want, but just get rid of it. There are some partially completed projects, which I will likely frog. She doesn't have the patterns -- and half the balls don't have ball-bands. There are also needles and some books. 

Anyway, I'm going to keep a bunch of it. There's some beautiful CoBaSi which looks like it was headed for a fade shawl, and a lot of sock yarn. 

I'm also working on another pair of socks. She has Opal, and the Love Story colorway just makes me smile. So I've started on a plain pair. There's enough for several pairs of socks, and I can add the partial balls to my "franken-sock" stash. Or make a shawl. The All Used Up Shawl (and the cardigan) could be a great way to stash bust all my odds and ends. 

I still haven't fixed the dropped stitch on the baby blanket, but I'm going to get to it. I have time. I also need to whip out a little hat, so there's that to finish and then the fleece throw which is going to go with this gift. Or maybe I'm not doing the fleece throw - that's still up in the air. 

The one thing that's been occupying my time with the boxes of yarn from D is the untangling.

I'm one of those weird folks who really enjoys untangling yarn. Some of the balls are better than others, but this cotton blend needed to be untangled and washed then re-wound. It took me a while, and after I got it untangled, I tied it in a couple places and used some Eucalan to soak it. Hung it on the shower and let it dry for a few days. I just need to re-wind it at some point. I know what this is, but I can't recall the name - so I want to do another shawlette, because I think that's all I have enough yarn for. Maybe I'll use a bit of a larger needle and just stockinette stitch. 

The Injury...

OK, so. The hand isn't fixed yet. But I did end up going back to the doctor. And I got TWO steroid shots in the left hand. It was as amazing as it seems. Not. Though she is good - I was really numb and didn't feel a thing. At least till the numbing spray wore off. Then, it was as if my hand was on fire! It's eased up somewhat and I'm feeling the effects of the steroids. 

I also made an appointment with the surgeon who fixed it in the first place - thankfully, he hasn't retired! The doctor said that she thinks the tendon that was wedged into my wrist has "broken free of the capsule" and that the swelling may be permanent, which affects my range of motion. I can put more weight on it, so that's good...but again, the biggest reason I dislike steroid shots is that they allow me to do stupid stuff. I did buy some blocks that had shapes cut out so that I can use more of my palm. Because that left thumb is fused at a 2-degree angle (for function), I can't flatten the hand. And sometimes, I don't get quite the right placement on a block, but with these blocks I ordered, the weight is more in my palm, which is a bit safer for my thumb. The screw is exactly where it's always been, but I don't want to risk it. 

So I figured that I should see the surgeon and figure out what we can do. Or not do. But it's worth the visit. Hubby wants to ask about the "lifetime warranty" on the surgery! 

The Garden...

The potatoes are in. I'm getting some repellant for the tree-rats (squirrels)...the stinkers are digging up my potted plants. I tried cayenne and red pepper flakes. They just scurry over to the bird bath, drink up and do it again. 

I have celery rooting in a bowl - we'll see if that comes to anything. I have grown celery before, out of starts from the greenhouse, and it's amazing the flavor you get from home-grown celery!! 

I have a couple baskets of petunias out front, and they've survived at least one mild frost; they're magenta with lime green edges, so I can't wait to see what the hummingbirds think. I have lantana in 2 pots, cosmos + Dusty Miller in one pot and a big pot of dianthus. Waiting to see what else I can pick up; I need at least 2 more hanging pots - maybe 4. 

We're looking at a tiny veggie garden this year, as I may have mentioned. Romaine, a couple tomatoes, a pot or two of parsley (at least one for the butterflies!). Very simple. 

It was a busy morning today; out in the compost area twice already, and I made some ham and bean soup with our own herbs. My mom wanted some, so I made it; she and I are the only ones who'd eat it, so I got half and she got half. Good deal all the way around. 

The Reading...

Aside from a current addiction to Lord Peter Wimsey, I've started "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van Der Kolk, MD. 

It's pretty deep. Very technical but also readable. I've heard from folks that it's a book you can't really plow through, and I can see that. It takes me a couple chapters, maybe, and then I have to put it aside. 

I'm also still working through 1Q84, about 50% through that one. It's fascinating and reads smoothly, even with the time jumps. 

When I need to rest my hand, I turn to my books. 

A Bittersweet Birthday...

So we recently celebrated my newest grand-niece's birthday. She's one. And it's bittersweet. She's the granddaughter of my late sister. One of the relatives hugged me and said, "It's so nice that you're the fill-in." I know they meant well, but boy, that cut. I don't WANT to be the fill-in. I want my sister here. And she's not. And there's still a huge hole in my heart. 

The little one is in the "daddy's girl" phase and it was so funny to see all of us turning ourselves inside-out to make her smile, only for her to rebuff all of us pretty consistently. 

Eventually, she'll come around. Babies do that. 

Unfortunately, I ate some things that didn't agree with me. Well, I take that back. The cheese sticks VERY much agreed with me....to the point that I should have just walked away. I adore a good fried mozzarella stick, and these were wonderful! Oh, I did have salad, so there's that! I think Hubby and I were definitely in a carb-coma in the evening. 

Miscellaneous...

Randomly...

1. I need to step up my fitness. My BF has offered to teach me to swim, and I may have to take her up on that. It's good for my hip and I should have learned a long time ago. 
2. I have to catch up with my remaining sibling; it's time for another adventure, and I don't want to let too much time pass. Life can get in the way for sure, but it's also what we prioritize. 
3. I really need to get into my home office and clear some crap out. Swedish Death Cleaning for me, too!
4. I've actually started Christmas shopping. It's better to get an idea of your list and chip at it all year long, I think. 
5. I've got to get out of the habit of going down the YouTube hole... I tend to do that when it's time to go to bed, and I need to cultivate a different habit. 

Random Picture...

The last of the lilacs of 2024. The bushes have been extremely prolific this year. This is the third cutting I've gotten and while they're a little beat up, it's still something I felt like I wanted to do. 

People have been walking past the yard and stopping to smell them for the past several weeks. They're at the end of the sidewalk, so it's easy for people to enjoy them.  

We're actually debating taking them out, because honestly they're planted too close to the sidewalk. They seemed fine when we put them in, but now they've gotten a bit loose. Hubby trims them so that they're never much taller than 7 feet, but one of the bushes has a ton of suckers, and the other seems to have sprouted a bit taller than its mate. I'd swear they're two different varieties, because the one on the right always blooms a few days before the other one. 

I got a hit of the smell, thankfully -- but the ability to smell is now gone again. But it was worth it. 

The Well is Dry...

I wish I could tell you that things were back to normal, that all is well, that (maybe) we have a new doggo, that everyone was fine. 

But it's not, we don't, and we're not. 

The good news is that we made it through Holy Week and Easter. The bad news is that some promises got broken, feelings were hurt, and frankly, I'm so dry of inspiration that I could be in the middle of Death Valley and not even notice the scorpions approaching... 

All my girls are home, and even though my BFF says this is creepy, this is where they currently reside. Everyone does their thing and I'm not going to lie - it does give us some comfort. It's actually only coincidental that all the urns match. Hence the collars. I wanted to get matching memorial stones, but I think the company that did Tippi's went out of business because I couldn't find them. Anyway, we re-did Raisa's and did Quinn's via a company out of England. You can see Quinn's at the far right. The middle one of Raisa was one I got off Etsy and frankly, I didn't like it. So Raisa's & Quinn's match. One day, when we actually have spring and summer, I may put everyone's stones out in the rock garden. 

This may be my most "ugh" blog entry ever, sorry. But what comes out of my fingers comes out of my fingers...I didn't want it to be that way, but that's my whole writing process.  

The Knitting...

The "over-use" injury to my left hand is, if nothing else, getting worse. But I started knitting again - I have deadlines to meet. However, I've started to time myself. I can do about an hour with a sock-weight yarn, and a little less with a bulkier yarn. Sounds funny, but think about it --- the size of the yarn determines the heaviness of the yarn and the project. 

The baby blanket is done. I took a picture, noticed a dropped stitch and said something nasty. We're gonna have to bless this one! The good news is that since the yarn was held double, the dropped stitch (in the middle, natch...) wasn't a total disaster. I was able to pull through using that same color and weave in ends. Not gorgeous from the back, but from the front, invisible. Hubby, once his own grief-fog lifted somewhat, said to me, near the end of this project, "What are you knitting?" 

He never asks... Anyway. I showed him the project, and he actually said the colors were "really pretty and bright," again - usually, I get a "looks fine" from him. 

Mind you, I am NOT complaining. He's fantastic when I want to match color. As many long-time readers may know, he's got a great eye for color and often comes up with things I'd never think of and voila! They work. He and my mom have that in common. Anyway, he thought it was really cool, and I ws going to use that green variegated with some lime green yarn for a baby hat. Held singly, though, because double it is kind of substantial, which is good for a blanket but not what you want for a hat for a baby. 

Again, 8-hour baby blanket pattern (available just about anywhere) using Encore Worsted - 4 balls. This particular colorway is 2 of a solid and 2 of anything else. I tend toward using a solid and then a tweed of that same color family, but pickings were scant when I went to the yarn shop. So this is what I ended up with and it's really growing on me. 

I also have a fleece blanket planned for this little one - one side a gorgeous pewter grey for the bottom, and a wild tie-dye for the top. Did I say that I didn't like "traditional" baby colors? 

I don't. I'll knit that if I'm told to do so (and sometimes, if it's a relative particularly, and they know they're getting one, my mom will tell me if the nursery is "trad" or not). Otherwise, I'm doing jewel-tones, high contrast, etc. It's more fun and less boring. 

So after I finished this, I got some PurlSoho Echo Cashmere (95% recycled cashmere and 5% other stuff)... and am doing a Simplicity Scarf. I caught a sale on the yarn, and it's a purple - looks kind of heather-ish, and knits up really nicely. 

Good stitch definition, soft in the hand. The color is very rich; it's a nice deep purple with little tints of the 5% "other" in different tones. I'm doing the longer version, so that was a cast on of 375 stitches. NO WAY was I going to "guess-timate" the length for the long tail cast on, and I only recently came across a reasonably accurate cast on calculator (read on for that link). So I did a knitted cast on. It was interesting to work with that again. I've done that technique to add stitches in the middle of a project, like for my simple baby sweater. 

But never that many stitches. Actually, the beauty of this was that I could just knit along for a while to get the movements into my hands, and then I could stop and count. It does take a while to do that many stitches. 

I was able to knit outside on the porch yesterday (Easter Sunday) because it was nice outside. Today, it's about 10 degrees colder, and we're looking at the potential for snow by Wednesday. Welcome to April in Illinois!

Anyway, I'm doing the large one, which is 6" from the cast on edge. I've got about 2 1/2" in, and because it's so freaking long, it does take a bit to finish a row. 

I can do about 4 rows and then I have to set it down for a while. 

For the life of me, though, I'm having a mental-pause on the knitted row. I cannot -- just CANNOT - process the M1L. Do you know how many of those I've done? Not quite a zillion, but pretty close. But for some reason, this just isn't sinking in. I've watched Very Pink Knits You Tube. Every. Single. Time. Call it long Covid brain or just The Other Thing. But I just can't manage to remember how to do it. 

As far as the long tail calculator, I'm linking this video - please take a look and if you're interested, sign on to get her info. Purl Together is another source I do like. That's the fun of the You Tube knitting community - you can really find some great resources. 

The Injury...

Well, I was wearing the brace, doing the compression gloves, using lidocaine and some special "pain ointment" as well as Tylenol, red light, and ice (not simultaneously!). And there's a lump in my hand right where the thumb is attached to the wrist. It's just not going away. 

Fair point, I'm not exactly resting it. I mean, I'm not slinging horse crap, but I do have to work. I'm also not doing much yoga (again)... I did one class of a 3-class workshop I was taking, because I can't put any weight on it. Unscrewing a toothpaste tube is not fun. Bending or flexing is not fun. Needless to say, I picked up the guitar to practice for Good Friday ("Were You There") and it was a big old nopity-nope. I couldn't bend my wrist enough to get the chords. 

So I made another appointment for the hand person. End of this month. I'll let you know. The good news (I'm trying, really...) is that the last time I saw the NP, we had an X-ray and the screw where the thumb is fused is just gorgeous and in place right where it should be. That was something I was really worried about. 

I'm working with Tom Myers' energy trains and trying a hand massage to see if that helps. 

The Other Thing...

A long time ago, when I was in graduate school, we took a class in our HR module where we did testing for various things: the Myers-Briggs, a few other "what do you want to be when you grow up" tests, and some screenings. 

At that time, I was going through Some Stuff. One of which was my dad in the process of dying. It was just a few years after we'd moved back home, and the kids were just getting to know their grandparents. Life sucks. 

Anyway, I remember after doing one of the screenings, the instructor looked at the results and called out, "I need to see Number XYZ" (we were all numbers so the results were anonymous). That was me. It was quite sobering because the instructor told me that the screening clearly pointed to significant depression. Not the "I'm just sad and out of sorts" stuff, but clinical depression. 

I did talk to my neurologist and tried a couple things. Nothing seemed to work. And I'm complicated. I've mentioned it to my GP and my cardiologist and all 3 docs came to the same conclusion: I'm complicated. Because of meds I take for my heart, which really don't play well with the meds I take for seizures (thanks again, Covid), the combo there would be pretty difficult to balance with anti-depressants. Which have a host of side effects, which include seizures and some wonky thing with heart rhythms. 

Oh joy. 

Which brings us to now. I'm in a rough patch. I will cry at the drop of a hat. I can't sleep. I'm comfort-eating. I can't distract myself. My fuse is so short as to be nearly invisible, which is not cool. I have a sharp tongue -- that's not part of the depression. That's just who I am and I have to be very careful. Words can hurt. My filters are fading a bit, and I'm scared of that. 

I was able to pass off a lot of this due to work stress -- working at a church during Holy Week and Easter without a priest and with a bishop's visit pending? That'll curl your hair. Lucky for me I'm already totally grey... I've snarled at my kids and at Hubby. I haven't talked to my brother in a while, and I'm avoiding him. He'll want to know what's going on and I don't think I want to scare him. I did do a slight snap at someone at church. There was a personality conflict and I basically said, "Not my circus, not my monkeys. You two work it out now. " I think they were expecting sympathy. Sorry - I'm fresh out. 

There has also been some static in situations involving volunteer work, and I find that I'm no longer "the coolest head in the room." I am just so freaking tired of drama. And that's not the usual "can't we all just get along?" thing... This is "I really, really can't deal with you people anymore." And that bothers me because I am picky about where I volunteer and each place has a lot of meaning for me. 

I need to find a therapist. My problem is, I know a lot of them. Personally. And I don't want to talk to someone I know as a friend or socially. I know all about confidentiality and that sort of thing, but we're all human and I don't think I would feel comfortable taking a deep dive into my psyche with someone I know. 

So I guess I'll ask my friends for some referrals. I am also not comfortable just taking a look through the Yellow Pages (yeah, I'm that old...). 

In the meantime, I'll just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Maybe it'll pass. But more likely, it's time I tackled this head-on. I can't keep doing this. The older I get, the more I see how I'm actually cheating myself. Enough of that. 

The Garden...

So it's April 1st. And Mother Nature is in a mood. Yesterday, it was gorgeous, as I said before. The hyacinths are in bloom, the Monster Bleeding Heart has started to bud, as have the lilacs. The lily of the valley is pushing up shoots, and the lavender is greening up, as well as my beloved Icelandic Poppy. I can see bits of bee balm and a few things I can't quite identify yet, but I'm also trying to convince Hubby to do No Mow May...to leave the yard unmowed till Mother's Day. Or at least a chunk of it...to let the pollinators come out of their hibernation. 

And Wednesday it might snow. Of course. 

As I was knitting, I needed a break, so I got up to take pictures. I figured that if this week's weather took everything out, at least I had evidence that it used to be there. Along the north side of the front yard, we have a row of day lilies. I think I want to take those out, replant as many as I can along the front of the yard, and then plant some bushes for Raisa, Tippi, Quinn, and my sister. We hadn't planted anything for her and Tippi - and we usually do plant a memorial thing. Both of them died in cold weather, and by the time I was able to plant, I was laid up with the hip thing and couldn't go out and pick something out for them. And now they're all gone, so it's time to do something. 

Hubby has talked about removing the 2 lilacs at the end of the sidewalk - he thought he planted them too close to the sidewalk, and neither of us thinks they'll survive a transplant. We keep them about 7 feet tall, but they do overgrow sideways and one has some pretty bad suckers. 

So maybe we put a couple lilacs on the north side, then some forsythia at the end of the sidewalk. Those you can trim up nicely and they'll still look gorgeous. 

I'm still not sure about the veggie garden. I'm thinking small. Hubby's not sure about one at all - and admittedly, he does most of the veggie garden stuff. I do the flowers. So we'll see about that. 

Easter on Palm Sunday...

Regular readers know that we do things differently. We do the major holidays (except for Xmas Eve - that's in concrete) the Sunday before. So this Easter, we had an interesting mix of lasagne, salad, garlic bread, chicken enchiladas, and fruit. We did the lasagne and garlic bread, and for The Vegan Kid, I did donuts - which I didn't bring to the house. I knew the family would scarf them down. So I put together a little Easter basket. I'm not sure they made it home, but that's not my problem. 

I also did vegan stuffed peppers. I bought orange ones (on request) and stuffed them with a mixture of farro, mushrooms, kale, chives, spring onion and celery. I had extra filling, so I brought it -- and they ate it... My brother managed to take a pepper home, and really enjoyed it. 

Obviously, that picture is not the stuffed peppers. We have these large catering pans, and we took the 3" one and made a 5-layer lasagne. With smoked provolone, mozzarella, sharp Italian, and Parm, along with several pints of our own home-made sauce. THEN my niece tells me that she and her oldest kid are cheese-intolerant. Well, not totally intolerant. She ate it and so did the kid. They just said they would have a "good tummy ache." Oh well. Now I know. Guess maybe next year we skip that. In my defense, the chicken enchiladas also had cheese...And they did know we were going to have lasagne, so if you don't speak up, you get fed what I cook. I'm happy to turn over cooking duties for once, but since there are usually only crickets when I suggest that? Deal with it. 

The vegan donuts were with the help of my friend's Baby Cakes donut maker. I must have one of these. I had asked her to borrow a donut pan (the recipe is for baked donuts, much easier and less messy), and she said, "I'm bringing this - you're gonna love it!"

Oy. I do. I made 2 varieties: an apple spice, dusted with cinnamon sugar and a chocolate dipped in a chocolate glaze. They're so stinking cute! I used a chopstick to remove them from the pan, it makes 4 at a time, and it's about 6 minutes per batch. 

I did bring some leftovers to church and they were gone. Heaven knows they're super easy to make, so I may end up buying one and then doing that every so often for coffee hour. 

Random Picture...

A number of years ago, we went to Europe. We traveled to Lyon, France, and went up into Switzerland.

It was Hubby's first time over there, and my second (a graduation trip to Greece in the ancient days...), and we had a blast. Everyone asks what we brought back for souvenirs, and it was like, "5 memory cards full of pictures!" I did bring back some lavender from Provence, but customs searched HUBBY'S suitcase, not mine. Go figure! 

Anyway, have I talked about that 2-part scarf project, finally completing it? This is the blue part. I told you it was one of my longest-running WIPs...it was around 2013. I took it everywhere I traveled, and back then, it wasn't uncommon for me to travel a lot. Workshops, trainings, fun travel...this scarf went with me everywhere. It was my travel project. Notwithstanding the fact that I used a circular needle, the TSA let me take it on planes (you really can hurt someone with those needles, but who am I to argue??). Here, we were waiting for our parasailing adventure and I had it in my bag. The scarf hit both France and Switzerland. For the brief time we were in Italy (a drive-through) I wasn't knitting. 

I would love to plan a trip again. Maybe to see the Northern Lights. Or the North Pole before it melts. A girl can dream. I just have to find the right travel project.